Crafting the Perfect First Message
April 5, 2024
The first message is your chance to make a memorable impression. Unfortunately, many people sabotage their opportunities with generic openers like "hey" or "hi." The good news is that with a little thought, you can craft messages that stand out and spark engaging conversations.
Why Generic Openers Fail
Messages like "hey beautiful" or "what's up" are boring and show you haven't paid attention to the person's profile. They're also so common that they've become background noise. When someone receives dozens of generic messages, yours needs to be special to get noticed.
The Profile Reference Formula
The most effective first messages reference something specific from the recipient's profile. This shows you've taken the time to read about them and are genuinely interested. Here's a simple structure:
- Mention something specific from their profile
- Add a thoughtful comment or question about it
- Include a bit about yourself if relevant
Examples That Work
For the travel lover: "I saw you've been to Iceland—that's on my bucket list! What was the most unforgettable moment from your trip?"
For the foodie: "Your passion for cooking stands out—what's the most impressive dish you've made from scratch?"
For the outdoor enthusiast: "Hiking in the Rockies is amazing! What's your favorite trail around Denver?"
For the music fan: "We both love live music—what's the best concert you've been to recently?"
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no" shut down conversation quickly. Instead, ask questions that invite elaboration. "What do you enjoy most about hiking?" invites a detailed response. "Do you like hiking?" likely gets a one-word answer.
Show, Don't Just Tell
Instead of saying "I'm funny," actually be funny in your message. Instead of claiming you're adventurous, mention something adventurous you've done. Let your personality come through in how you write rather than just listing qualities.
Keep It Light and Positive
The first message should be friendly and upbeat. Avoid heavy topics, controversial opinions, or negative comments. Save deeper conversations for after you've established rapport. Your goal is simply to start a dialogue that makes the other person want to respond.
What to Avoid
- Compliments about physical appearance (can feel superficial)
- Generic pickup lines
- Sexual or suggestive comments
- Negativity or complaints
- Long essays about yourself
- Asking for personal information
- Being pushy or demanding a response
Timing Matters Too
Send messages when people are likely to be online—evenings and weekends generally work well. Avoid sending messages in the middle of the night or during typical work hours when they'll get buried. But don't overthink timing—a good message is good anytime.
Don't Over-Edit
While it's good to proofread, don't obsess over making your message perfect. Over-editing can make your message sound stiff and unnatural. Write from the heart, keep it relatively brief, and let your genuine interest show through.
Follow the Recipient's Lead
If someone responds with a short answer, they may not be interested. That's okay—move on. If they engage with enthusiasm, keep the conversation going by asking follow-up questions and sharing relevant stories.
Practice Makes Better
Like any skill, writing good first messages improves with practice. Not every message will get a response—that's normal. Keep refining your approach based on what works. Pay attention to which types of messages lead to engaging conversations.
Remember, the goal of a first message isn't to impress someone into a relationship. It's simply to start a conversation that's enjoyable enough that they want to keep talking. Keep it simple, be authentic, and let your curiosity guide you.